Me and my thoughts

Death is seen as the ultimate move in the mortal world. This is considered as a win or a loss depends on the person. All humans beings have a knowledge of death. We all understand that we will have to leave some day. However, the inevitability does not affect us until we are sick or sad. There are so many philosophies and speculations regarding life and death. All of us are haunted by this question every time we think about death. Though we might not ask this aloud, we still wonder. Who will cry when I die? The general assumption is that our family and friends. Maybe even the people whose life we have touched. What is the real situation? The day we die, people we know would weep their eyes out. After we are cremated, the friends will sigh and go on with their lives. In a month or two, the extended family will blame it on fate or will of God and move one. Our family might miss us our little longer based on our importance and value. In a year, they will miss us but the actual grievi...

Who are you? What is your aspiration? These questions follow us wherever we go. This begins right from the day we are born. We see adults asking babies what they would like to become. This obsession intensifies when we grow. However, external questions do not always affect us. We are most affected by our inner conscience. We can never really lie to it. This is a trick question. We evolve regularly and have no clue about our best version. Our perspective changes and we concentrate on the current self. Some people are born confident, and they face life head-on. However, others are filled with insecurities and self-doubts. We question our every step and debate for every action. Though we might portray a calm exterior, our inner mind states otherwise.  When I first went to live alone, everything was scary. Everyone looked like monsters waiting to rip me apart. I was conscious of my every cell and behaviour. Like all, I wanted to be accepted. I yearned to be loved and make friends. My ...

Today marks the birthday of Jawaharlal Nehru and Children's day; I decided to use the occasion to write about someone I almost lost along the way. As a born depressed being, I always saw the world with tinted glasses. I have an innate feeling that there is a monster in every corner. Though I was not proved false in most cases, I did figure out my way of handling it. Through all these years, the primary thing which kept me sane was my craziness and the child in me. The person who found joy in a bar of chocolate and a drop of rain. The person whose creativity rose along with the shapes of the clouds. The person who secretly hoped for goodness at the other end of the road. Like all other things, life happened, and she could no longer handle the heat. The vacuum was too much for her that she suffocated on her regular basis. The worst part was that I did not realise that I was losing her until the last possible minute amidst the endless drama. Today, I strive hard to keep her breathing...

 Every relationship, both professional and personal has an underlying factor which is not openly discussed. It is expected to be understood and considered to be part of the relationship description. Personal relationships suffer more from this communication gap compared to its counterpart. Most professional portfolio comes with its job description which almost details these requirements. However, the personal life is much more complicated than it. The relationship formula changes with each, and there are various factors involved in it. The primary reason for failure in a relationship is the inability to meet these expectations. A personal relationship is said to be selfless and beyond all anticipations. All of us directly or indirectly expect something out of these related groups. It does not matter the nature or type or gender or time. It could be simple as money or complicated as love. Sometimes we convey all the wrong expectation for the right reasons. However, the elephant alw...

And they lived happily ever after was one of the few quotes which instilled hopes and dreams in us. Most books we read or movies we see conclude their story in the same line. I was one of those people who firmly believed in its magic only to be hit by the power of reality. I have always questioned if there was a happily ever after was a phenomenon or a marketing concept. In real life, things work out a little differently. There is no notable end, and it is just a milestone. Every milestone marks the beginning of the next phase laden with its variety of traumas and troubles. Even death does not mark the end as afterlife seems to an exciting mystery. How do we also find this happily ever after? Is it relatively possible to attain that state in one lifetime? Or is it one of those unattainable dreams which keep us fighting? How do we find happiness? How do we balance life in the uncertainty of pain and disappointment? 

Solitude is a strange emotion We love and fear it at all times Everyone wants some in their lives Yet fear it with their souls We were born alone And will probably leave in the same way But we yearn for company in  the middle We wish to be a part of a group We even time our attitude to fit in Even the loneliest soul needs compassion Though we might not accept it openly However this companionship is an illusion It is always there but never there We wade through a series of people And give it a name of our choice We justify it and give ourselves a reason Nevertheless we are pushed to battle our solitude At so many points in our life We yearn and hate it at the same time The challenge lies in finding the balance The harmony in solitude

Should I talk Or Should I ignore The words no longer hurt like they used to It means I am losing it And attaining the Carefree mode I find it hilarious Maybe because it no longer causes the pain And also because it masks my anger I know I have a good memory But I never felt protected Nor pampered Their definition of life was different And it was  not the best I don’t complain about it I have learned to accept what I have Why do they grumble Why do their complain Is it because to test my temper Or is it because to train my patience Sometimes, I bit my tongue to hold back the words These words could hurt them In a more primal way Maybe I did not inherit that from them The ability to hurt without a second thought Something stops me from retaliating Maybe because I have given up And it scares me

I am kind of stuck The hours go by And grow into years The clock never stops Nor does the pain The thirst for more The sense of unfulfillment The fright of letting go The guilt of not doing it too People change So does the location But I am stuck In the same situation In the same pain In the same despair and hopelessness I try to take one day at a time But end up repeating There are fragments of memory loss The technicalities of details But it does not really matter As I revolve in this vicious circle I try to break free Only to get in the midst of another Everything is a mystery How did I get into it? How will I get out of it? Where did it disappear? The fear and pain remains But I am still stuck

I want to be happy I want to feel secure I want to feel alive I want to sleep with peace I want to believe again I want simple things in life Small Surprises Long walks A shoulder to rest A head to caress A soul to connect A heart to love Isn’t natural to want these things? Simple things that make humans happy Why does it have to be so complicated for me? Why do I have to long for ordinary things? I am tired of hiding Tired of telling myself that it will pass Why can't I be normal? I am not special either I don’t fit anywhere I just don’t belong Do I deserve this? Is this a test? I am not sure I no longer want to stick around to find out

What do parents expect from their children? Is it respect? Is it money? Is it love? I am quite confused now For a few years, I was an obedient daughter following their instruction to the dot Then I was an ATM for a couple of years I did not do much But did the best I could But both did not seem to satisfy them Now I kind of lost both And they are not happy either There is this big bridge which separates us I wish I could repair it But it just keeps getting bigger

I feel like I am losing my life breath Slowly and steadily, the energy is sucked out of me I can no longer breathe The ball in my throat gets bigger every day I pray to God to give me more faith More hope to keep me going But the weight keeps pushing me down I just wish I have more strength to fight But I am losing it I can feel it I am lost with the next course of action What will happen when the flame dies out Will I lose my ability to fight Will I lose my will to live? Will I just let go?

The word relativity reminds us of Newton to most of us who have been attentive to the Physics Class in High School. The example of hot stove and girl was the classic example of relativity. However, we never considered our life to a massive game of relativity. Subconsciously, we compare ourselves to others in moments of mistrust and fear. We wish for the blessings of others as a solution to our problems. We fail to understand ourselves as unique beings in those times. We just want and hope for the things we don't have and ignore the blessings right under our nose. Every small element and action in our life is part of a larger elaborate plan which might make no sense now. Some people never relate the meaning, but it does not necessarily mean they are not blessed. The only thought which keeps me going in the time of distress is that the supreme power does not feed us more we can chew and swallow. The food can be overwhelming and tasteless at times, but it is the need of the hour, and...

Our world revolves around us most of the time. That does not mean we do not care about the people around us. Our care and affection come back to our likes and dislikes. There is not a lot of difference between a selfish and a sensitive person. Both of them act on their ideologies and thoughts, and their actions ultimately make them happy. But we do categorise them based on their impact on the surrounding. Is it right to define a person by their actions? Is asking for exhibit personal whims and fancies a colossal mistake? What defines right and wrong? Unfortunately, the line between right and wrong is too blurry and wavy. The meaning differs with context and continent. Some days, I feel insensitive and self-centred, and the only emotion that I could feel is pain and disappointment. The anger destroys me, and I fight to retain my humanity. The remaining days, I feel guilty for my thoughts. As a human and as a member of the social ecosystem, I am expected to follow specific protocols and...

Most of us love fantasy. Even the few who claim to hate fantasy secretly hope for it. We pray for the impossible and ultimately settle for reality. As a child, we believed in fairy tales and superheroes. We wished to be our favourite character and even replicated an action or two. The older we became, the wiser we claimed to be. However practical we might be, we just cannot let go of few things. Let's say Prince Charming or the fair princess for instance. The first expectation of our partners had a profound influence on these characters. In our defence, we did settle for more practical options later in life. Nevertheless, we do fantasise about a miracle in times of need or distress. We prayed and prayed till it was answered or till we accepted the reality. Religions have a different outlook on the entire concept. Most people believe in God or a power/force beyond our understanding to be our Prince Charming and rescue from the dragon. In this case, problems we face every day of our...

Every relationship requires the right amount of space and clutter. The balance between both determines the success of any relationship. How much is too much? I have always wondered. I have seen perfect relationships crumble for no reason and unhealthy creepy relationships survive. What is the formula to make relationships work? Every individual is unique and bring different characteristics to the table. However, as humans we share certain similarities and maybe a standardised formula could make this work. First, just like any equation, Let us consider the variables involved. Let’s us take Men – X Women – Y Relationship – R X and Y are two different sub species with unique genetic traits, cultural values, expectations, perceptions, etc. It would be technically impossible for X and Y to balance each other without supporting elements. The elements would include beauty (B), Character(C), love (L), money(M), family(F) and loads of other reasons ranging from A to Z. All reas...

Who is your best friend ? Some of us would answer it in a jiffy. Some might take a little longer to decide. Sometimes it is more than one. I have always wondered who my best friend is?. I am constantly wondering about a lot of things Who is my best friend? Who is my biggest enemy? What is my favorite color? What is my favorite fruit? The list is endless. Every time people ask me a simple question? I feel lost and disturbed. Even the toughest questions does not scare me. But simplest ones can do the trick. I always have the feeling that something is technically wrong with me.  I always try to be a normal girl.  I just get cranky and crazy at times. And I think it is a part of a normal life. I am just curious. Sometimes too curious for my own good. I have too many questions and it seems natural to me. The question which are most disturbing . Who is my best friend? and Who is my biggest enemy? . Friends have always been a vital part of my life. They are like oxygen to m...