Me and my thoughts

Is age just a number? I wonder within myself Or it could have been aloud I can no longer tell My ears are sharp, but my mind is preoccupied I try recalling the past But it seems like a distant memory Everything is a blur of multiple emotions I wish I could see through them At least relive a few; forget many But life does not work that way I feel weary in my bones I wish I could rest But the journey is still not over I hope it is not long as before Almost half is what I can do My knees tremble as I gaze behind My eyesight dims as the distance increases I have come a long way Through different phases and even eras I look at the age Is it just a number? Did I ask myself this before? Is my work done? Can I do anything else? The questions keep adding. Was it memorable? It was interesting Was I happy? I forgot to tick the box. Am I mature? Only time will tell The age might not be just a number anymore It is a reminder to let go It is a reminder to cherish the small things It is a reminder to...

Should I talk Or Should I ignore The words no longer hurt like they used to It means I am losing it And attaining the Carefree mode I find it hilarious Maybe because it no longer causes the pain And also because it masks my anger I know I have a good memory But I never felt protected Nor pampered Their definition of life was different And it was  not the best I don’t complain about it I have learned to accept what I have Why do they grumble Why do their complain Is it because to test my temper Or is it because to train my patience Sometimes, I bit my tongue to hold back the words These words could hurt them In a more primal way Maybe I did not inherit that from them The ability to hurt without a second thought Something stops me from retaliating Maybe because I have given up And it scares me

I am kind of stuck The hours go by And grow into years The clock never stops Nor does the pain The thirst for more The sense of unfulfillment The fright of letting go The guilt of not doing it too People change So does the location But I am stuck In the same situation In the same pain In the same despair and hopelessness I try to take one day at a time But end up repeating There are fragments of memory loss The technicalities of details But it does not really matter As I revolve in this vicious circle I try to break free Only to get in the midst of another Everything is a mystery How did I get into it? How will I get out of it? Where did it disappear? The fear and pain remains But I am still stuck

I want to be happy I want to feel secure I want to feel alive I want to sleep with peace I want to believe again I want simple things in life Small Surprises Long walks A shoulder to rest A head to caress A soul to connect A heart to love Isn’t natural to want these things? Simple things that make humans happy Why does it have to be so complicated for me? Why do I have to long for ordinary things? I am tired of hiding Tired of telling myself that it will pass Why can't I be normal? I am not special either I don’t fit anywhere I just don’t belong Do I deserve this? Is this a test? I am not sure I no longer want to stick around to find out

What do parents expect from their children? Is it respect? Is it money? Is it love? I am quite confused now For a few years, I was an obedient daughter following their instruction to the dot Then I was an ATM for a couple of years I did not do much But did the best I could But both did not seem to satisfy them Now I kind of lost both And they are not happy either There is this big bridge which separates us I wish I could repair it But it just keeps getting bigger

I feel like I am losing my life breath Slowly and steadily, the energy is sucked out of me I can no longer breathe The ball in my throat gets bigger every day I pray to God to give me more faith More hope to keep me going But the weight keeps pushing me down I just wish I have more strength to fight But I am losing it I can feel it I am lost with the next course of action What will happen when the flame dies out Will I lose my ability to fight Will I lose my will to live? Will I just let go?

Ego technically means establishing a person's sense of self-esteem and self-importance. Ego is stated as the most common reason for fights in relationships, both professional and personal. I had heard this word more than once, even at times when I have tried to express my thoughts in the humblest way known to me. Still, the societal patriarchy has contributed to this view, and there is not a lot that can be done about it. However, since people keep blaming each other and claiming the second position in the emotion, Who has the most significant ego? Sometimes, even communicating or emphasising a thought/message can sound as Ego to the listener. It can initiate the wrong reaction or pave the way for a rift in the relationship. Nevertheless, we never back down from a perceived threat or contest, and the war begins. Sometimes, ego is adorable and sweet. It depends on the way we accept things. For instance, a baby demands attention and does not endure anything else. They wail, whine an...

Our world revolves around us most of the time. That does not mean we do not care about the people around us. Our care and affection come back to our likes and dislikes. There is not a lot of difference between a selfish and a sensitive person. Both of them act on their ideologies and thoughts, and their actions ultimately make them happy. But we do categorise them based on their impact on the surrounding. Is it right to define a person by their actions? Is asking for exhibit personal whims and fancies a colossal mistake? What defines right and wrong? Unfortunately, the line between right and wrong is too blurry and wavy. The meaning differs with context and continent. Some days, I feel insensitive and self-centred, and the only emotion that I could feel is pain and disappointment. The anger destroys me, and I fight to retain my humanity. The remaining days, I feel guilty for my thoughts. As a human and as a member of the social ecosystem, I am expected to follow specific protocols and...

Most of us love fantasy. Even the few who claim to hate fantasy secretly hope for it. We pray for the impossible and ultimately settle for reality. As a child, we believed in fairy tales and superheroes. We wished to be our favourite character and even replicated an action or two. The older we became, the wiser we claimed to be. However practical we might be, we just cannot let go of few things. Let's say Prince Charming or the fair princess for instance. The first expectation of our partners had a profound influence on these characters. In our defence, we did settle for more practical options later in life. Nevertheless, we do fantasise about a miracle in times of need or distress. We prayed and prayed till it was answered or till we accepted the reality. Religions have a different outlook on the entire concept. Most people believe in God or a power/force beyond our understanding to be our Prince Charming and rescue from the dragon. In this case, problems we face every day of our...

Every year brings its kind of blessings and experiences This year is a clean slate for me A frightening and exciting clean slate Some days I am brimming with confidence Some days my faith takes a deep down dive This is quite a big step for me Despite the insecurities cruising through me However, a voice urges me to move on To write my own faith To create my glorified history I might fail But I would have fought it hard My hope will guide me And the experience would be worth it Praying for the best 2018 is my clean slate And I plan to make most of it