Me and my thoughts

Should I talk Or Should I ignore The words no longer hurt like they used to It means I am losing it And attaining the Carefree mode I find it hilarious Maybe because it no longer causes the pain And also because it masks my anger I know I have a good memory But I never felt protected Nor pampered Their definition of life was different And it was  not the best I don’t complain about it I have learned to accept what I have Why do they grumble Why do their complain Is it because to test my temper Or is it because to train my patience Sometimes, I bit my tongue to hold back the words These words could hurt them In a more primal way Maybe I did not inherit that from them The ability to hurt without a second thought Something stops me from retaliating Maybe because I have given up And it scares me

I am kind of stuck The hours go by And grow into years The clock never stops Nor does the pain The thirst for more The sense of unfulfillment The fright of letting go The guilt of not doing it too People change So does the location But I am stuck In the same situation In the same pain In the same despair and hopelessness I try to take one day at a time But end up repeating There are fragments of memory loss The technicalities of details But it does not really matter As I revolve in this vicious circle I try to break free Only to get in the midst of another Everything is a mystery How did I get into it? How will I get out of it? Where did it disappear? The fear and pain remains But I am still stuck

I want to be happy I want to feel secure I want to feel alive I want to sleep with peace I want to believe again I want simple things in life Small Surprises Long walks A shoulder to rest A head to caress A soul to connect A heart to love Isn’t natural to want these things? Simple things that make humans happy Why does it have to be so complicated for me? Why do I have to long for ordinary things? I am tired of hiding Tired of telling myself that it will pass Why can't I be normal? I am not special either I don’t fit anywhere I just don’t belong Do I deserve this? Is this a test? I am not sure I no longer want to stick around to find out