Me and my thoughts

Faith is one of the most complicated and straightforward aspects of life. Most of us have a love-hate relationship with hope, and it is not a smooth ride either. I have always wondered the real definition of faith. More than one person in my life has asked me to hold on to it. I have always wanted to ask them the ultimate meaning of it. Is it the belief in the higher power? Is it the belief that life has better plans for us? Is it the positivity and the urge for a happier future? Faith has a more significant meaning than the expectation of the greener pastures. It is not falling in the hopes of a safe landing. It is the belief that there is a reason behind our pain. It is the acceptance that our suffering is a part of a bigger picture. It is the belief that we cling on even there is no treasure. Every one of us is ridiculed with doubts and insecurities all through our lives. These hindrances do not signify our lack of faith and instead portray our need to justify our inner demons. We ...

You and I have a simple and a complicated relationship. You are pretty much the only standard element in my life. You have been with me through my ups and downs. You have been there for me even I have ignored you.  You answered me almost every time  I asked you something. You have also told me to stop worrying and give in to faith. However, I am troubled continuously in self-doubt and fear. Despite constant reassurances, I am unable to find peace. As much as keep fighting the darkness within me, it keeps pulling me deeper into it. Most days, I want to give up, you keep pulling me back from the ledge. At times, I wonder if I deserve so much love and care.  Still, you never let me go and keep telling to stay calm. Most times, I manage to keep floating and accept your plan. But then, I equally fail and give in to the pain.  And that’s when I know, that it’s not you, it’s me. I trust you with all I got. Still, the fight is getting bigger every day. 

Today marks the birthday of Jawaharlal Nehru and Children's day; I decided to use the occasion to write about someone I almost lost along the way. As a born depressed being, I always saw the world with tinted glasses. I have an innate feeling that there is a monster in every corner. Though I was not proved false in most cases, I did figure out my way of handling it. Through all these years, the primary thing which kept me sane was my craziness and the child in me. The person who found joy in a bar of chocolate and a drop of rain. The person whose creativity rose along with the shapes of the clouds. The person who secretly hoped for goodness at the other end of the road. Like all other things, life happened, and she could no longer handle the heat. The vacuum was too much for her that she suffocated on her regular basis. The worst part was that I did not realise that I was losing her until the last possible minute amidst the endless drama. Today, I strive hard to keep her breathing...

The person who claims to have not lied at all is the biggest liar of all. All of us have distorted the truth or have been a part of a lie at some point or the another. A lie is a short story we spin to hide reality. It brings out the creativity in every one of us, and we build unique worlds to protect ourself. Is it a way of protecting us from reality? Is it a way of helping us maintaining a predestined image? Is it a grave sin? Sometimes we twist the truth to be polite or go to an elaborate level to hide the fact. We forget some, while some keep haunting us. These fiction stories help us to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Looking back, they feel so meaningless and to some extent, funny. I have always wondered about whether if it is possible to live without telling a lie. I have always felt like asking people if they are willing to accept me for what I am. Right now, I don't think the world, at least mine is not ready for the weight of truth. It is possible or at least probable ...

Who knew darkness could be so serene? A dark cloudless sky devoid of stars Held so much power over me There was absolutely nothing Expect a looming emptiness We are always searching for a glimpse of light That we fail to relish the dark I wished I could steal some of the serenity And hide it deep inside me It would be a comfortable place A place with no fear or stress A fort where worry would not dare enter It is a hidden world Away from the scorching fire and engulfing heat The cold embraced me Even without the chilling winds A lone streetlight stood in the middle Struggling hard to compensate the sea of darkness Somehow it was a losing war The vast expanse of the sky Had a powerful pull to it It was mesmerising and soothing It wished I could lose myself in it And forgot my worries in the comforting darkness

 Every relationship, both professional and personal has an underlying factor which is not openly discussed. It is expected to be understood and considered to be part of the relationship description. Personal relationships suffer more from this communication gap compared to its counterpart. Most professional portfolio comes with its job description which almost details these requirements. However, the personal life is much more complicated than it. The relationship formula changes with each, and there are various factors involved in it. The primary reason for failure in a relationship is the inability to meet these expectations. A personal relationship is said to be selfless and beyond all anticipations. All of us directly or indirectly expect something out of these related groups. It does not matter the nature or type or gender or time. It could be simple as money or complicated as love. Sometimes we convey all the wrong expectation for the right reasons. However, the elephant alw...

And they lived happily ever after was one of the few quotes which instilled hopes and dreams in us. Most books we read or movies we see conclude their story in the same line. I was one of those people who firmly believed in its magic only to be hit by the power of reality. I have always questioned if there was a happily ever after was a phenomenon or a marketing concept. In real life, things work out a little differently. There is no notable end, and it is just a milestone. Every milestone marks the beginning of the next phase laden with its variety of traumas and troubles. Even death does not mark the end as afterlife seems to an exciting mystery. How do we also find this happily ever after? Is it relatively possible to attain that state in one lifetime? Or is it one of those unattainable dreams which keep us fighting? How do we find happiness? How do we balance life in the uncertainty of pain and disappointment? 

It is just another rainy day An ordinary day for most people But it was a special day for her It was one of the most traumatising and happiest days of her life She cried aloud and grabbed the edge of the bed The baby tried to push her way out to the world Somewhere across the country On the harsh cold border A soldier held his stand braving the weather His body threatened to give up But his spirit was stronger than ever His held his position waiting for his cue His senses were on high alert And he watched every moment with scrutiny He aimed his rifle waiting for the perfect opportunity to take that shot His security and life was least of his concerns His nation and her safety was all that mattered The baby decided to make its way out She arrived just in time The gunshots were fired She shrieked at the top of her lungs Oblivious to the fact that a guardian angel protected her They protected her along with millions of people in the country She has his eyes and nos...

Solitude is a strange emotion We love and fear it at all times Everyone wants some in their lives Yet fear it with their souls We were born alone And will probably leave in the same way But we yearn for company in  the middle We wish to be a part of a group We even time our attitude to fit in Even the loneliest soul needs compassion Though we might not accept it openly However this companionship is an illusion It is always there but never there We wade through a series of people And give it a name of our choice We justify it and give ourselves a reason Nevertheless we are pushed to battle our solitude At so many points in our life We yearn and hate it at the same time The challenge lies in finding the balance The harmony in solitude

They broke me Every day was a fight A fight with the world A fight within myself I tried my best to keep up To stay ignorant To tell myself that is it was for the greater good A good that was no where in sight Every action sliced through my heart Every silence ripped me apart I cried a thousand tears To the words To the indifference And the insecurity I told myself tomorrow would be better That there was hope at the end The pain made me feel alive Told me that I had a reason to fight Told me that I cared Today was different Nothing made an impact It did not cause pain I did not feel angry Just let the words brush by me I viewed it like an observer Justified the accusations And moved on It no longer hurts I stopped caring There is no reason to fight It  seems they have won They broke me to the point of no return There is nothing left to hold me To give me hope Everyday would be the same And I don't think I would care

Should I talk Or Should I ignore The words no longer hurt like they used to It means I am losing it And attaining the Carefree mode I find it hilarious Maybe because it no longer causes the pain And also because it masks my anger I know I have a good memory But I never felt protected Nor pampered Their definition of life was different And it was  not the best I don’t complain about it I have learned to accept what I have Why do they grumble Why do their complain Is it because to test my temper Or is it because to train my patience Sometimes, I bit my tongue to hold back the words These words could hurt them In a more primal way Maybe I did not inherit that from them The ability to hurt without a second thought Something stops me from retaliating Maybe because I have given up And it scares me

I am kind of stuck The hours go by And grow into years The clock never stops Nor does the pain The thirst for more The sense of unfulfillment The fright of letting go The guilt of not doing it too People change So does the location But I am stuck In the same situation In the same pain In the same despair and hopelessness I try to take one day at a time But end up repeating There are fragments of memory loss The technicalities of details But it does not really matter As I revolve in this vicious circle I try to break free Only to get in the midst of another Everything is a mystery How did I get into it? How will I get out of it? Where did it disappear? The fear and pain remains But I am still stuck

I want to be happy I want to feel secure I want to feel alive I want to sleep with peace I want to believe again I want simple things in life Small Surprises Long walks A shoulder to rest A head to caress A soul to connect A heart to love Isn’t natural to want these things? Simple things that make humans happy Why does it have to be so complicated for me? Why do I have to long for ordinary things? I am tired of hiding Tired of telling myself that it will pass Why can't I be normal? I am not special either I don’t fit anywhere I just don’t belong Do I deserve this? Is this a test? I am not sure I no longer want to stick around to find out

What do parents expect from their children? Is it respect? Is it money? Is it love? I am quite confused now For a few years, I was an obedient daughter following their instruction to the dot Then I was an ATM for a couple of years I did not do much But did the best I could But both did not seem to satisfy them Now I kind of lost both And they are not happy either There is this big bridge which separates us I wish I could repair it But it just keeps getting bigger

I believe in soul mates I always have Even before I started to read the M&B novels My dark, handsome selfish man was right before me In my dreams and thoughts I dreamed that he would fight heaven and hell for me That my warmth will be sun And our embrace would be his oxygen As I grew, reality intervened And my perception changed But the thought grew I believed that he is out there somewhere Somewhere in the universe Occasionally thinking of me And waiting for me Waiting patiently for faith to intervene And make our paths converge After all these years, there is a question which nags me Are we destined to spend our lives with our soulmates? Or are we supposed to know them? Is it possible that we might never meet in our lifetime? Though life has predestined points We are given the freedom of choice What if one of us has taken a different road by oversight? Have we changed our fates? Will we never know each other again?

I want to fall in love So hard that I will lose myself The sparkle in your eyes will mask the pain Your warmth and breath with comfort me Your smile will renew my purpose in life Your heartbeat will be my favourite symphony Love is not new to me I have been here, done it I have experienced most things people have only dreamt of My life was passionate and hard Somehow, it did not fulfil me My thirst had not been quenched My heart is always half full I want to be consumed by love Be suffocated by happiness and joy Cherish the small fights And freeze the golden tears I want to hold you when I am down I want to you spoon me when you need comfort I want us to uplift ourselves And for once, only once in my lifetime I want to taste the success I want us to last forever And if it is not destined Then I want to die in your arms Trusting that you love me

Once upon a time Not so long ago I believed in hell I believed in the burning flame. And the mighty vacuum Today, I think I am ready I have seen my share of pain Maybe even more than people of my age It has made me a stronger person But it has also made me a sadder person Every incident engulfs the life out of me Maybe my will to live I lose hope and find it hard to cling on to I grasp everything Just to hold a little while longer. Every day , I hope that today is the day. My luck will change And I will finally free on the curse I might  be happy I might enjoy life But it is just the same It just worse I am not sure how much more I should cry before things turn What is my rock bottom? I feel like a sinking hole with no bottom Sometimes, when I have no energy to fight I hide between mean things Things I know are wrong But the alternative is harder And I just can't ...

I feel like I am losing my life breath Slowly and steadily, the energy is sucked out of me I can no longer breathe The ball in my throat gets bigger every day I pray to God to give me more faith More hope to keep me going But the weight keeps pushing me down I just wish I have more strength to fight But I am losing it I can feel it I am lost with the next course of action What will happen when the flame dies out Will I lose my ability to fight Will I lose my will to live? Will I just let go?

If pain has a form And the form could talk Then it will look like me And it would say What the hell, bring it on I have felt used, and I know the intensity I have been rejected, and I know what it takes to get over it I have been cheated, and it knows it the value I have been disappointed I have been lonely I have  been sad Every motion carries a specific amount of pain And it lasts for a particular period The feeling becomes too dull Or maybe I become used to it Either way, I know it But I don’t know how much more I can take

Every day, I wake up with hope of finding happiness and peace I prepare myself with positivity  I hope that today is the day that my life will change But from the minute I start, the hurdles begin The pit of loneliness The fire of indifference The depth of irresponsibility The obstacle of disappointment It comes on and on till I can no longer run Life is meant to be interesting A few barriers to make it exciting But every hurdle takes a piece away from me Some hindrances just pierces my heart And does not teach me anything I only I learn is I should not trust I should not hope I should not smile At the end of the day, I feel so drained That I can hardly breathe I just wanna to sleep And never wake up again I hid behind meaningless things to forget reality But It never leaves me It might just follow me everywhere Till I stop breathing

The printer whined in the corner Papers piled up in the tray I hastily grabbed the papers and rushed to my paper The machine was hot to touch Probably angry about the overwork hours I did not give it a second thought As I hastily skimmed through the papers The mistakes seemed bigger than before I refilled the papers and began correcting the mistakes Ironically about ecological balance As I struggled to add more value it The message stuck me hard Why would I cause so damage as well as advocate about it I might never be able to undo the damage Every tree in the universe has a role And the role is not always to be draft paper It definitely has a bigger part in the ecosystem Think twice before wasting it

The word relativity reminds us of Newton to most of us who have been attentive to the Physics Class in High School. The example of hot stove and girl was the classic example of relativity. However, we never considered our life to a massive game of relativity. Subconsciously, we compare ourselves to others in moments of mistrust and fear. We wish for the blessings of others as a solution to our problems. We fail to understand ourselves as unique beings in those times. We just want and hope for the things we don't have and ignore the blessings right under our nose. Every small element and action in our life is part of a larger elaborate plan which might make no sense now. Some people never relate the meaning, but it does not necessarily mean they are not blessed. The only thought which keeps me going in the time of distress is that the supreme power does not feed us more we can chew and swallow. The food can be overwhelming and tasteless at times, but it is the need of the hour, and...

Ego technically means establishing a person's sense of self-esteem and self-importance. Ego is stated as the most common reason for fights in relationships, both professional and personal. I had heard this word more than once, even at times when I have tried to express my thoughts in the humblest way known to me. Still, the societal patriarchy has contributed to this view, and there is not a lot that can be done about it. However, since people keep blaming each other and claiming the second position in the emotion, Who has the most significant ego? Sometimes, even communicating or emphasising a thought/message can sound as Ego to the listener. It can initiate the wrong reaction or pave the way for a rift in the relationship. Nevertheless, we never back down from a perceived threat or contest, and the war begins. Sometimes, ego is adorable and sweet. It depends on the way we accept things. For instance, a baby demands attention and does not endure anything else. They wail, whine an...

Our world revolves around us most of the time. That does not mean we do not care about the people around us. Our care and affection come back to our likes and dislikes. There is not a lot of difference between a selfish and a sensitive person. Both of them act on their ideologies and thoughts, and their actions ultimately make them happy. But we do categorise them based on their impact on the surrounding. Is it right to define a person by their actions? Is asking for exhibit personal whims and fancies a colossal mistake? What defines right and wrong? Unfortunately, the line between right and wrong is too blurry and wavy. The meaning differs with context and continent. Some days, I feel insensitive and self-centred, and the only emotion that I could feel is pain and disappointment. The anger destroys me, and I fight to retain my humanity. The remaining days, I feel guilty for my thoughts. As a human and as a member of the social ecosystem, I am expected to follow specific protocols and...

Most of us love fantasy. Even the few who claim to hate fantasy secretly hope for it. We pray for the impossible and ultimately settle for reality. As a child, we believed in fairy tales and superheroes. We wished to be our favourite character and even replicated an action or two. The older we became, the wiser we claimed to be. However practical we might be, we just cannot let go of few things. Let's say Prince Charming or the fair princess for instance. The first expectation of our partners had a profound influence on these characters. In our defence, we did settle for more practical options later in life. Nevertheless, we do fantasise about a miracle in times of need or distress. We prayed and prayed till it was answered or till we accepted the reality. Religions have a different outlook on the entire concept. Most people believe in God or a power/force beyond our understanding to be our Prince Charming and rescue from the dragon. In this case, problems we face every day of our...

Every year brings its kind of blessings and experiences This year is a clean slate for me A frightening and exciting clean slate Some days I am brimming with confidence Some days my faith takes a deep down dive This is quite a big step for me Despite the insecurities cruising through me However, a voice urges me to move on To write my own faith To create my glorified history I might fail But I would have fought it hard My hope will guide me And the experience would be worth it Praying for the best 2018 is my clean slate And I plan to make most of it