Me and my thoughts

Should I talk Or Should I ignore The words no longer hurt like they used to It means I am losing it And attaining the Carefree mode I find it hilarious Maybe because it no longer causes the pain And also because it masks my anger I know I have a good memory But I never felt protected Nor pampered Their definition of life was different And it was  not the best I don’t complain about it I have learned to accept what I have Why do they grumble Why do their complain Is it because to test my temper Or is it because to train my patience Sometimes, I bit my tongue to hold back the words These words could hurt them In a more primal way Maybe I did not inherit that from them The ability to hurt without a second thought Something stops me from retaliating Maybe because I have given up And it scares me

I am kind of stuck The hours go by And grow into years The clock never stops Nor does the pain The thirst for more The sense of unfulfillment The fright of letting go The guilt of not doing it too People change So does the location But I am stuck In the same situation In the same pain In the same despair and hopelessness I try to take one day at a time But end up repeating There are fragments of memory loss The technicalities of details But it does not really matter As I revolve in this vicious circle I try to break free Only to get in the midst of another Everything is a mystery How did I get into it? How will I get out of it? Where did it disappear? The fear and pain remains But I am still stuck

I want to be happy I want to feel secure I want to feel alive I want to sleep with peace I want to believe again I want simple things in life Small Surprises Long walks A shoulder to rest A head to caress A soul to connect A heart to love Isn’t natural to want these things? Simple things that make humans happy Why does it have to be so complicated for me? Why do I have to long for ordinary things? I am tired of hiding Tired of telling myself that it will pass Why can't I be normal? I am not special either I don’t fit anywhere I just don’t belong Do I deserve this? Is this a test? I am not sure I no longer want to stick around to find out

What do parents expect from their children? Is it respect? Is it money? Is it love? I am quite confused now For a few years, I was an obedient daughter following their instruction to the dot Then I was an ATM for a couple of years I did not do much But did the best I could But both did not seem to satisfy them Now I kind of lost both And they are not happy either There is this big bridge which separates us I wish I could repair it But it just keeps getting bigger

I believe in soul mates I always have Even before I started to read the M&B novels My dark, handsome selfish man was right before me In my dreams and thoughts I dreamed that he would fight heaven and hell for me That my warmth will be sun And our embrace would be his oxygen As I grew, reality intervened And my perception changed But the thought grew I believed that he is out there somewhere Somewhere in the universe Occasionally thinking of me And waiting for me Waiting patiently for faith to intervene And make our paths converge After all these years, there is a question which nags me Are we destined to spend our lives with our soulmates? Or are we supposed to know them? Is it possible that we might never meet in our lifetime? Though life has predestined points We are given the freedom of choice What if one of us has taken a different road by oversight? Have we changed our fates? Will we never know each other again?

I want to fall in love So hard that I will lose myself The sparkle in your eyes will mask the pain Your warmth and breath with comfort me Your smile will renew my purpose in life Your heartbeat will be my favourite symphony Love is not new to me I have been here, done it I have experienced most things people have only dreamt of My life was passionate and hard Somehow, it did not fulfil me My thirst had not been quenched My heart is always half full I want to be consumed by love Be suffocated by happiness and joy Cherish the small fights And freeze the golden tears I want to hold you when I am down I want to you spoon me when you need comfort I want us to uplift ourselves And for once, only once in my lifetime I want to taste the success I want us to last forever And if it is not destined Then I want to die in your arms Trusting that you love me

Once upon a time Not so long ago I believed in hell I believed in the burning flame. And the mighty vacuum Today, I think I am ready I have seen my share of pain Maybe even more than people of my age It has made me a stronger person But it has also made me a sadder person Every incident engulfs the life out of me Maybe my will to live I lose hope and find it hard to cling on to I grasp everything Just to hold a little while longer. Every day , I hope that today is the day. My luck will change And I will finally free on the curse I might  be happy I might enjoy life But it is just the same It just worse I am not sure how much more I should cry before things turn What is my rock bottom? I feel like a sinking hole with no bottom Sometimes, when I have no energy to fight I hide between mean things Things I know are wrong But the alternative is harder And I just can't ...