She is always there

I felt her presence the minute I entered the house. The presence was not inviting nor threatening me. Still I could feel it. The house was our wedding gift to us from my husband. It was not my kind of dream house. Still it was almost similar to it. I was filled with loads of emotions. Happiness, Excitement, Joy, anxiety, confusion, fears to name a few. Everything and everyone was new to me. I felt her as I explored each room. She joined us in our tour of the house, silently watching us. I was scared of exposing her in the fear of making a fool of myself. Imagine two people put together in a new house in the mystery and magic of marriage. Add a third person to it, who might or might not exist.  I was confused as well as excited.

Who was she?

What did she want?

Was she related to me in any way?

What was she telling me?

Will she harm me?

Hundreds of questions rose inside me. Vinay Subramian is a restaurateur. His family owns one of the city’s leading restaurant chains in the city. As an entrepreneur himself, He runs his own restaurant in addition to helping his family. Our marriage is a perfect example of an Arranged Marriage. We have not even met before our engagement. The arrangements and pre marriage glitters did not give us time to understand and know each other. We entered the house as literal strangers in the hope and dream of building our future together.

I am not a great cook. But I know my cooking as any traditional Tamil girl would know. My family believed that any girl’s top goal in life was to feed and run a family. They did not understand the importance of education. Not that I am uneducated or anything. I have a fancy degree from one of the local universities. I wanted to be a fashion designer. Thanks to the Barbie dress ups and fashion magazines. Still my family and society insisted that my life was meant to be a wife. People are born to do something. I was born to be a wife and a good in law, I was told. My dreams disappeared when Vinay and his family entered my house. I woke up to the reality of the situation and settled into the role. The only fashion designing I did after that was selecting the right accessories for me and my family.

We were married in an elaborate ceremony to satisfy the egos of both our families. Now we are left to our defenses to build our own little family. But that is life right. It never turns to be the way we want. It can be either better or interesting. Our house was Vinay’s dream of independence and a way of escaping from his over caring family. He saw the house as a private hideout for us to understand each other. A fact I did not know then. This is in addition to the thousands of other things, we did not know about each other. It takes a lifetime to know a person. And we are both willingly to try (At least as of now). He was a little older than me. He gave me the impression of a young professor the first time I met him. He looked like a person in control, bossy, authoritative, perfectionist, busy, difficult to please types and in one word, “scary”. Not given much choice in the selection of the groom, The romantic traits I dreamed of seemed to be the last priority in the ideal groom check list.

Something which really bothered me was food. The easiest way to get in and out of a man's heart is food. He owns a restaurant, for heaven’s sake and I would never meet his standards in taste nor presentation. As a part of the tradition, I was expected to a make a sweet dish on the first day together. Sweet dish symbolizes a life filled with all goodness (and diabetes according to me). I made Milk Guava which turned out to be sweeter and stickier than I intended. I expected it to be the start of the nightmares of my life. A nightmare filled with criticism, hatred , etc. How can a sweet make my life bitter, I moaned in my heart.  

Actually, It made my life sweeter. He liked the sweet. He was honest enough to agree that this was not the best sweet he had tasted. Still this was the most special sweet of his whole life. I can still feel the goose bumps when I think of that day. And he was not the only one to appreciate my effort. She applauded my effort and gave me tips to improvise.  No voice was heard or note passed. Yet I could hear her whisper in my ears and her breath in my neck. Vinay and I are still working on the better versions of the sweet. The Milk Guava became less sticky and we grew closer. He turned out to be funny, patient, loving, and possessive and the way I wanted. He likes to be in control of things, but that is not applicable to me. We share so many things in common. And I have even started enjoying the things he loves.

The only place I don’t feel her is our bedroom. She disappears when Vinay is around. The minute he leaves the house, she takes control. She watches my every step. Sometimes she talks to me and listens to my voice. I take a nap forgetting the water boiling in the stove. Priya, priya, she calls out to me. I woke up with a fright. I hurriedly check my phone. Vinay has not send his hourly miss you message yet. Maybe I was dreaming. She urges me to rush to the kitchen. I walk in just in time to stop a gas leakage. I silently thanked her. A wisp of wind caress me. Whenever I fight with him, she advises me to make it up whoever the mistake is on. She gets angry at times. I can sense her withdrawals. She does not answer my questions about her. She just guides me and helps me be a better wife.  Maybe, she is a figment of my imagination. Maybe , she is my guardian angel. But she is still there.

I stand by the door, saying goodbye to him. I laugh and blush as I walk back inside. She frowns at me. I turn and realize that I have not closed the door properly. I lock it and walk inside. She is following me. We have a long day ahead.