tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86340794077100461372024-03-05T05:48:40.526-08:00Me and my thoughtsSome relationships are meant to stay Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.comBlogger431125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-75766702396664761842023-02-25T02:58:00.005-08:002023-02-25T02:58:35.072-08:00Words – Said or Unsaid<p> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">The shrill of silence
pierced my heart</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">I wish the pain would become
familiar</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">But it just hurts a little
more</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">Every time you stare nonchalantly</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">I feel smaller and
insignificant</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">You brush my insecurities
aside</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">As if they don’t make sense</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">I cannot blame it</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">It does not make sense to
me either</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">I wish I was stronger to
let it go</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">I yearn to be indifferent</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">But you seem to be the
expert</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">I try voicing out my pain</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">It just reflects back to me</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">The more I shout</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">The lesser its heard</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">I want a conversation</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">To move forward and maybe
closer</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">But to refuse to
communicate</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">When I try to break your
silence</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">Your words rip me apart</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">At this point, I don’t know
which hurts me the most</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Ebrima;">Your silence or your words</span></p>
<p></p>Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-50444308380052707432023-02-23T21:26:00.000-08:002023-02-23T21:26:02.177-08:00Foot Prints on Time<p>Is age just a number? I wonder within myself<br />Or it could have been aloud<br />I can no longer tell<br />My ears are sharp, but my mind is preoccupied<br />I try recalling the past<br />But it seems like a distant memory<br />Everything is a blur of multiple emotions<br />I wish I could see through them<br />At least relive a few; forget many<br />But life does not work that way<br />I feel weary in my bones<br />I wish I could rest <br />But the journey is still not over<br />I hope it is not long as before <br />Almost half is what I can do<br />My knees tremble as I gaze behind<br />My eyesight dims as the distance increases<br />I have come a long way<br />Through different phases and even eras<br />I look at the age<br />Is it just a number? <br />Did I ask myself this before?<br />Is my work done?<br />Can I do anything else?<br />The questions keep adding.<br />Was it memorable? <br />It was interesting<br />Was I happy? <br />I forgot to tick the box. <br />Am I mature?<br />Only time will tell<br />The age might not be just a number anymore<br />It is a reminder to let go<br />It is a reminder to cherish the small things<br />It is a reminder to be independent <br />It is a reminder that nothing last<br />I am old, but it does not matter<br />I am not wise as I should be<br />But I have scope for improvement<br />I have grown to accept myself <br />And that is the greatest gift of all<br />I have learned that things might not work <br />But it is not the end of life<br />Wait, Did I just become wise?<br />Only time will tell <br /></p>Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-23837331304659527412020-04-21T13:24:00.000-07:002020-04-29T13:25:40.368-07:00Saturday at 13:13pm<div>The alarm kept repeating the same tone. It was irritating, and my eyes refused to open. I was not sleepy, but I had a strong reason behind it. I knew the exact sequence of events that was bound to happen today. I am not psychic, although I wish I were one. I could have prevented this event if I had the ability to see the future or at least if I had used my common sense. I looked at the phone to check the time. It was 7.15 and the day was Wednesday. It wanted this to end. I did not have a name for it yet. I closed my eyes again, hoping to pass some time. I knew very well by now, that is might not happen. After a period, I rechecked my phone, the digital timer should still at 7.15 am. It was daring me to try and change it. I have given up after the 7th attempt. It was too creepy to see the clock turn in the opposite direction. I got up from my bed, and the clock began its motion. The day will be identical to the last Wednesday. Or should I say the last time I experienced a Wednesday? Yes, I am stuck in a time loop, and I don’t know how to break the cycle. I am repeating living four days over and over again. It begins on Wednesday at 7.15 am and goes on till Saturday afternoon. I don’t know what happens on that day. But I know I wake up again on a Wednesday morning. I wanted it to end so badly. I tried doing things differently in the hope of changing the outcome and breaking the loop. Somehow, certain events kept pushing me into the same line. <br /></div><div><br /></div><div>The loop allows me to wear a different coloured dress or select my meals. But when I try to call new people, it does not allow me. Most importantly, I am unable to step out of my house. I am living alone in the name of privacy, and it is one of the regrettable choices I made. I am a selfish type, and I am not surprised that people did not notice my absence. There are significant absences in my memory, and I am unable to connect the dots. I keep making a note of things to changes in the next loop and somehow start over. How did I mess things up? How do I get out of it? I kept asking myself the same questions repeatedly. My body began to move like a machine. I did not have breakfast today, so I probably would have to wait for this lunch. The computer pinged behind me signalling me to join the game. I spend most of my time on an online gaming platform. I was so addicted to this activity that I ignored my class and other important activities. My smartphone shrieked with an incoming message tone. I knew the message well now. Yet I could not do anything about it. Every time, I received this message, my guilt grew heavier. I felt like I was reliving all my mistakes and achievements in four days. Ironically, my errors were significantly larger than my good deeds. <br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Was this a warning? I asked myself. I did not receive a reply nor a solution. Wednesday passed without much progress. I could not identify the source of the problem. Thursday started similarly. I was chatting with a virtual friend about the need to be happy. Somehow alcohol failed to put in a state of buzz. I remember thinking that I needed something stronger to escape reality. He recommended me some pills along with a warning. I ignored it in my pride. Was that the final nail in my downfall? The pill made me so happy, and I felt like floating. I never experienced such euphoria in my life. I decided that it was my new best friend. It was expensive, but that did not bother me. I know that I can tell a white lie and ask my parents for money. I am suddenly pressed by the realisation that they would have to work extra hard to pay my mounting educational bills. How did I fall so low? I used to be much better. Now I was wasting my time and resources in meaningless games and other things. I could see the medicine on the top of the kitchen counter. I wanted to stop myself from consuming it. Maybe I was still feeling the effects. <br /></div><div><br /></div><div>The person did warn me of the side effects. I tried recalling his instructions but to no avail. I tried concentrating hard, and then it struck me. He told me not to take more than one in 24 hours. But, I was not ready to come back to earth. It was stronger than most people as I thought as I popped the second one in my mouth. I was relieved to know the problem now. I have a drug allergy; I sighed in relief. I picked my phone and tried calling the emergency helpline. But the phone seemed to have a mind of its own. I knew I had to get help. I tried going out on all days except Saturday. Maybe today will be different. I recheck the phone to see the time and date. It was Saturday, and the time was 13:13. It sounded ominous in my head. But I could not waste any more time. I walked outside with a purpose. I promised myself that I would mend my ways. This time, I stepped out and almost yelled in relief. I checked my pockets for my wallet and realised something was horribly wrong. I tried patting myself to wake me from this nightmare. Nothing seemed to work, and I was out of chances. I got clarity now, but it was too late. I had left my body behind.</div>Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-11394412638809151612020-04-15T01:24:00.000-07:002020-04-22T01:27:21.490-07:00The touch<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span data-preserver-spaces="true" style="background: transparent; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"> James walked into the office building nervously. He was excited and scared at the same time. This was an essential beginning of his life in more than one way. His hands touched the sidewall, and his steps were calculated. After all, it was difficult to let go of his childhood habits. He blinked his eyes multiple times in awe. He was amazed by everything he saw. And more importantly, he was grateful that he could see. I need to report to human resources; he nervously told the security guard. The man looked at him, quizzically. James began to wonder if it was a pranked. He could not believe that he got the job as a sales representative in a decent firm. This was his first job and second chance in life. He did not have the slightest clue that this look kept away people without appointments and other trespassers. He did not know this fierce-looking man was, in fact, a softie at heart. I am a new joinee, James spurted out before the man could ask the next question. </span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span data-preserver-spaces="true" style="background: transparent; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"> The man grinned and welcomed him with a warm smile. James relaxed and pressed the lift button. As the door opened to the office, he was frozen on the spot. He had always imagined the look of an office, but he was not prepared by reality. Can I help you? A person rushing to his seat asked him. HR office, he muttered in his breath. The person pointed to the cabin, and he almost bumped into a girl on his way. Careful, the girl almost shouted. She did not have time or energy to deal with this drama; she thought to herself. She had more significant concerns at heart. Sorry, panicked James and apologised for his clumsiness. She waved her hand and moved past him. The management has increased the target again. She did not have the resources to achieve it. Their justification for adding another resource did not console her fears. How can a fresher help the team, she wondered? </span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span data-preserver-spaces="true" style="background: transparent; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"> </span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span data-preserver-spaces="true" style="background: transparent; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"> Something else happened that she could not explain. She instinctively turned her head to see the guy who she just hit. Though she knew it was her mistake, she proudly ignored his apology. James walked into the office and introduced himself. The manager offered his hand and James started feeling it longer than a normal handshake. The HR guy controlled the urge to pull his hands, but his discomfort registered on the new employee. I am sorry, he apologised. It is tough to let go of this habit, he explained. The realised dawned on the manager, and he reassured James that it was fine. The introductions began, and James wi</span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span data-preserver-spaces="true" style="background: transparent; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">thheld from shaking anyone’s hand. The manager said that people would understand, but that did not convince James. The final stop was the sales team. The sales head was a kind person who welcomed him to the team. The rest of the team showed mixed emotions. He knew that people would be sceptical to accept a stranger. Where is Emma? The manager asked. She is the assistant manager in the team, someone clarified. Who is asking about me?</span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span data-preserver-spaces="true" style="background: transparent; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"> A voice echoed in the office. The girl bumped into him in the hallway. The girl who made his heart jump and also showed her hatred at first sight. This is James, the trainee, the manager introduced and her reaction changed. She held out her hand and James could not resist it. He took her hand and started feeling it. It was warm and soft. She pulled the hand back with force. What was creep, she thought to herself. The training began, and so did their friction. She thought he was a creep who felt the hands of all girls. Somehow it did not register in her mind that he did that to all people. She did not realise that it was jealously that fuelled the anger. He could not stop thinking about her, and she always reminded him of a happier time. She reminded James of his childhood friend. </span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span data-preserver-spaces="true" style="background: transparent; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"> The person who truly knew him and never judged or pitied him. She challenged him to a better person. She completed him, but as fate would have it, she disappeared like a mirage. The cold war between James and Emma was not news to the team. They knew about it and yet managed to stay away. However, that did not stop themselves from teasing them. How else was the sales team meant to relieve their stress? Though they were wary of James due to this weird handshaking, he grew on them. He was good at his job, and that slowly made him a part of the team. Emma was the only one who saw behind the cheerful smile. His habit of touching things and people made her suspicious. However, something else bothered her. It was his manner of speaking. She swore that she never heard his voice before. But his style of sentence formation reminded her of a different time. </span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span data-preserver-spaces="true" style="background: transparent; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"> They could not find a truce. He did not want to tell the truth, and she did not want to have heartbreak again. But life had other plans for both of them. What goes around always comes around. What started with a touch came to a standstill with a dialogue. It was just another day in the office, and the team was busy meeting clients. It was the first week that James was meeting clients without the presence of an experienced member. However, the rope was short, and they took turns to monitor his performance from a distance. It was Emma’s turn, and she watched him hold the client’s hand longer than necessary. A firm handshake tells a lot about the person and the product. This was one of the first things they taught to a sales executive. She felt like she could sense the client’s discomfort from her viewing place. </span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span data-preserver-spaces="true" style="background: transparent; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"> She called James for a performance review session. He was nervous because he felt that her opinion mattered. Emma did not wait to get to the point. Cant, you keep your hands to yourself, she thundered. Why do you have to make people uncomfortable with your touch? The words sounded harsher than she realised. She saw his head hang low and could almost feel his pain. She realised her tone and yet could not back up now. Answer me now, she asked again. If I don’t touch, how will I know them, he responded in a meek voice. The words sent chills down her spine. It has been over eight years since she last saw those words. Yet she remembered this like it is was yesterday. She missed him a lot and did not know how to reconnect with him. Her mind flashed back to those days. She has just turned 18, and her parents bought her a new computer. Internet amazed her, and she spent too much time in it. She enrolled herself in a chat platform, and that is where she met him. She did not know his name and called him J. They spoke for months, and he was her first love. He told her that he was blind and yearned to see the world. She was curious and asked him as a lot of questions about his disability. In hindsight, they might have hurt him. But he said that he liked that quality about her.</span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span data-preserver-spaces="true" style="background: transparent; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"> People always pitied him, but she treated him like an equal. He often typed those words when they spoke about recognising her and other people. Her computer crashed one day, and the site was closed down in the same period. They did not exchange numbers or any additional information. They assumed that the portal would stay forever. It crashed, and so did her dreams. She did not know his name, so could not find him with the advanced technology. She sent multiple emails to the admin and received no response. It is a habit; I will try to avoid it; his voice broke her thoughts. His eyes reflected the pain inflicted by her words. She wanted to apologise yet something stopped her. Wait, she said. How do you know that line? She asked. Her brain told that it was a combination of words, and anyone could say it. What? He clarified. What did you say about touch? She prompted. He did not want to share his secret, so just said, I am telling this almost all through my life. It is a habit, he added.</span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #eeeeee;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span data-preserver-spaces="true" style="background: transparent; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"> I have heard this before, she said. That did not do the trick, and he continued to look at her. Have we met before, he asked. I don’t remember seeing you. Have you seen me? She queried. He did not know how to respond to that. Emma felt the sudden urge to tell about J. The words poured out before she could stop them. I had a friend named J. He used to tell these lines a lot. But, she began but stopped. She noticed the tears in my eyes. Did she hurt him a lot with her words? Should she apologise? She wondered. Are you Em? He asked. How do you know that? She blurted. I am J, and yes I used to be blind, he said in an emotion-filled tone. How, What, the list of questions and explanation began, and so did their relationship. </span></span></span></span></span></div>
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Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-4506288024279823892019-10-06T11:27:00.001-07:002020-04-22T01:26:53.033-07:00Was it Love?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Swetha pressed the silent button for the seventh time. She sighed and looked at the number again. She just needed to compose her thoughts before answering the call. When the phone rang again, she clicked the auto message button. The reasons that were listed did not match her emotions. Everything was bland and general. She laughed to herself about the irony about how it matched her relationship. How did it get here? She wondered. Swetha, Swetha, Nisha’s voice broke her thoughts. Which world are you? She tugged her roughly. She looked at her friend without giving a reply. They were not in that kind of a relationship. They were office colleagues who worked together, had fun and yet did not share any personal information. Swetha wondered if she could put words to her emotions. She sensed something was wrong but did not know how to explain it. They walked to the canteen for their dose of caffeine. Coffee had the power to break the monotony of the day. They filled their glasses and moved to the favourite corner. Somehow, this place felt safe even without the walls or curtains.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;"> This was also the time to catch up on the happening about the day and complain about the work stress. Nisha started speaking about a project, and somewhere in the first five minutes, Swetha's mind drifted. Swetha kept thinking of a single day repeatedly. She could not believe the events of that day. She was not a believer in fate, but that day changed her life. She was at an unusually low point in her life. Though she could not remember the reason, she was depressed and lonely. This was not new for her or anyone she knew. Anyone can become sad for no standard reason. This has happened to her before, and she knew that it would happen again. She knew Rahul for quite some time now. They met an event and became acquaintances soon after. They did not become best friends or even close friends immediately. They just grew to respect each other. They went out as a group and said the few courtesy words. She never expected that it would grow into anything else. She just assumed that they would grow apart after some time. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">As usual, life had other plans and did the unimaginable. One that day, it was quite late when she finished work. Her phone rang, and she should have ignored it like always. For some reason, she answered the phone, Hey Rahul, she said. Can we meet? He asked. It was an odd request. They never meet before or at least alone. Their meeting was always in a group for a get-together or business meeting. Did I forget any meeting? she wondered. She thought about how to refuse without hurting him. She knew that they would probably meet again, so she was considering the perfect excuse. Hello, Are you there? It won’t take long, he said softly. Against her best judgement, she said yes. I am in my office; she said as if it would stop the meeting somehow. I am just behind you, he countered. Are you stalking me, she wanted to ask. But held herself back and just sighed. It is very late. How long have you been waiting? She asked. It does not really matter, he said. I have to be home soon, she said. Can I drop you? He asked. We can talk on the way, they decided. She got into his car, and the journey started. She did not realise then; it would not be over even after two years.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;"> She did not remember who proposed first or even if she accepted it. They went out for a couple of times, and suddenly they were in a relationship. He was attentive, compassionate and a good listener. She began seeing him in a different light. He was always there for her even though she was not fully committed to it. She began feeling guilty after a point of time. She began reciprocating the affection, and that’s when the real issue began. She knew it was common in all relationships. This was not her first rodeo, and she knew the game as well as the next person. There were various stages in a relationship.</span><b style="background-color: transparent;"> </b><span style="background-color: transparent;">Whether we wish it or not, most people undergo all these steps. Very few blessed people escape this vicious cycle and manage to survive it. This does not mean that the others are not happy. They are forced to live through various emotions and drama throughout their lives. There is no happily ever after like promised in books and movies. There is certain desperation before the start of any relationship. People tend to do everything and anything to make the other person say yes. The beginning of any relationship is the happiest period, where they see only the positive traits of the loved ones.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">In a few months, reality begins to kick in. The complete character of the person comes to light and arguments began to arise. The difficult phase begins, so does the drama. We question the decision and find it hard to accept the person. All the promises and sweet words become history. Some people even end their relationship at this point. They cannot handle the pressure of accepting the quirks of the other person. The next phase begins when the storm settles down, and the calmness begins. Things become boring, and there is a familiarity in all aspects. This familiarity can have two sides. It means that the other person knows you better than others. The downside is that there is nothing interesting to keep the relationship happening. There is very little to discuss at this point, and everything can move slowly. Swetha was in a similar kind of situation. She was questioning everything about her decision. She repeatedly wondered if she made the wrong choice. There was nothing really to complain about. But she was not excited anymore. She wondered if she ever was excited about it. They had some good times, and even she could not deny it. They had their share of fights and tears. They were different people and struggled to find a middle ground. Sometimes they spoke and made an optimal decision. There were times when they both pretended for the sake of the other. There were also times when they erupted and made a mess. This time, she did not know how to communicate her feeling. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">She was worried that the wrong approach would trigger the next round of the fight. She did not have the energy or interest to get into the ring. She thought that the best option that would avoid direct conflict. She began to avoid him and spent minimal time with him. She always blamed the job or her family for the lack of time. He was not a bad person, and there was no real reason to break up. She wondered if he noticed the changes in her. And he did.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;"> Somewhere in the city, Rahul pushed in the chair behind and stared at the phone again. He took the phone and began to type a message. He knew that she would not read it immediately. Even if she did, the response would be curt and late. He knew something was bothering Swetha. He tried talking to her about it, but she was not willing to open up. He knew he had to do something, or he will lose her for good. He remembered the first time he met her</span><b style="background-color: transparent;">.</b><span style="background-color: transparent;"> He never had the opportunity to tell her about the moment he fell in love. Somehow, he did want to hold on to the moment forever for himself. There was no doubt that Swetha loved him, but she always held a part back. She was always cautious and never opened up. He did not know how to break the ice. There were times when she was charming and caring. She looked at him just like the way he wanted and it made him feel that he was the luckiest person in the world. Sometimes, she treated him like a stranger and did not show much emotion. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">He knew that he was not perfect, but he loved her more than anything. The affection has not changed even a little from that every moment. He saw Swetha 30 months ago. She was pretty and professional. He could not figure out what attracted him to her. But he fell in love at first sight and has not wavered soon. What should I do, he wondered aloud. Should I keep pushing or should I give her space, his inner voice threatened. He wished that they were some divine guidance. He saw the time and knew that her work would be over soon. He picked up the telephone to call the love of his life.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;"> Swetha was working on an important file, and she wanted to complete it before the end of the day. Somehow the thoughts about Rahul kept popping in her head. What should I do? She asked herself for the 1000th time. Was it love? She asked again. She pondered if she mistook his affection and her loneliness to be a relationship. She took a deep breath and made the same decision again. She was not completely happy but did not want to let it go either. She decided to take time and maybe try talking to him. Her phone rang at that very moment, making her wonder if he heard her thoughts. Hey baby, she whispered, attending the call. Sorry long day, she justified. She listened to his voice and paused to make a decision. Sure, Let’s meet. I have something to say to you; she disconnected the call. She just knew the next move. </span><br />
<br /></div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-30657655976041624392019-04-26T08:46:00.000-07:002019-04-26T08:46:09.564-07:00Who will cry when I die?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">Death is seen as the
ultimate move in the mortal world. This is considered as a win or a loss
depends on the person. All humans beings have a knowledge of death. We all
understand that we will have to leave some day. However, the inevitability does
not affect us until we are sick or sad. There are so many philosophies and
speculations regarding life and death. All of us are haunted by this question
every time we think about death. Though we might not ask this aloud, we still
wonder. Who will cry when I die? The general assumption is that our family and
friends. Maybe even the people whose life we have touched. What is the real
situation? The day we die, people we know would weep their eyes out. After we
are cremated, the friends will sigh and go on with their lives. In a month or
two, the extended family will blame it on fate or will of God and move one. Our
family might miss us our little longer based on our importance and value. In a
year, they will miss us but the actual grieving stops. The closest people to us
will hold on our memory but will be forced to focus on their lives. In about
half a decade, we will be nothing but a memory. Do we think too much about our
role in the world? Do we invest too much in this life? Sometimes nothing makes
sense and we question our purpose. Maybe that was the right approach all along.
We expect and fail all the time. Why would we expect something in this
insignificant life? Why do we get hurt and cause pain to other?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel that everything is a mirage. We
underestimate and overestimate everything. We yearn for love and acceptance. But
it feels like nothing matters. Maybe I don’t mind becoming a memory a little
earlier than others. The world and the people will go on. That is the law of
life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But our pain will remain as long
as we breathe. And it does not matter to anyone as we are a minute insignificant
part in the entire universe. </span></div>
</div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-13468382849229379792019-04-08T03:37:00.000-07:002019-09-26T03:38:26.731-07:00Eunoia <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">What
matters most in life?</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">We
concentrate on so many trivial elements</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">We spend
our energy in accomplishing it</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">We strain
and stress about it</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">This could
be simple like a relationship</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">Or
complicated as a pimple</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">We worry
so much about beauty</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">We try
every cream available </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">Or at
least the ones we could afford</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">Our
appearance matters so much</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">We sometimes
forgot about the person within us</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">We forget
that Eunoia matter</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<span style="font-family: Ebrima;">A beautiful
thinking and a well mind</span></div>
</div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-85607025440016212222019-04-04T03:36:00.000-07:002019-09-26T03:36:53.593-07:00Sulit <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
We all view life as a complicated process<br />Every decision is made with a careful screening process<br />We prepare a huge list of pros and cons<br />We think, consider and think<br />We fear of the outcome<br />We contemplate of the risk involved<br />Our list involves so many factors<br />Family, Career, Society, Money<br />And the list goes on<br />Somehow we fail to consider the most critical element in this aspect<br />Every decision in life is an experience<br />A part which molds us for the next level<br />However, we believe the decision to be life itself<br />And fail to look at the bigger picture<br />The most crucial decision today might not matter tomorrow<br />Let’s embrace life<br />And make decisions based on Sulit <br />Something that is worth it</div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-43245236234745647062019-04-01T03:34:00.000-07:002019-09-26T03:35:00.746-07:00Minutiae<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
We live a fast forward life<br />At least I do<br />Most days are a blur<br />I don’t remember most days<br />As the months pass by<br />The daily memories fade away<br />Though I blame it on my inability to remember<br />Deep down, I know it is my insensitivity<br />I concentrate on the essential moments<br />The ones which make a difference<br />And fail to notice the smaller details<br />In retrospect, I wonder if they would have made a difference<br />It is a mystery we never know<br />Somehow I think that the Minutiae Matters<br />The small precise details that make one unique<br /> The finer points and subtleties<br /> </div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-36874424707367943092019-03-30T03:31:00.000-07:002019-09-26T03:32:15.789-07:00Resfeber<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The sinking feeling in my stomach grew wider<br />So did the goosebumps<br />My heart was in a race<br />The beating refused to slow down<br />I checked my mail again<br />And even pinched myself<br />For the hundredth time<br />I repeated the process<br />It was a new beginning <br />A brand new chapter<br />It had no idea what it held for me<br />Was I good?<br />Was I bad?<br />I never really know<br />I just knew I felt Resfeber<br />The tangled feeling of fear and excitement before a journey begins</div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-15857787623305194352019-03-28T08:20:00.002-07:002019-03-28T08:20:46.094-07:00Power of Giving<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Every religion advocates the importance of giving. There are several instances in the holy books which validate this stance. I have always wondered about the power of giving. Most people are compassionate and wish to support others. However, they do not have the means or ways to do it. It is relatively hard to help others while trying to make our ends meet. We promise ourselves that we will support when our financial situation improves. Somehow, we never get around to it due to the mounting commitments. The interesting fact about the power of giving is that we can start small. And it need not necessarily be money. The world around us requires so many things. We see over 100 people every day. But our brain does not remember them because we don't see them. They are additional characters in our movie. They are there but somehow not crucial to our story. <br />Though our heart is in the right place, we lack the resource and time. We never really experience the power of giving. The simplest way to start is to begin small with your neighbor. Sometimes people require a simple reassurance and acknowledgement. We move fast enough to ignore ourselves and our families. In the hot and humid traffic signal, the little girl needs a small aid to fulfill her hunger. We spend our time wondering about the credibility of the place and the plight of the nation. This makes us ignore the hunger in her eyes. Start small even if it is a few hundred bucks. Say hello to your neighbour. A small smile for your fellow passenger can make their day. A simple thank you to the shopkeeper, or autowala shows a sign of respect and acknowledgement. The power of giving is in the smile of the receiver. Surprisingly it does not cost much and needs a little sensitivity. <br /> </div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-16984726986567610132019-03-26T03:29:00.000-07:002019-09-26T03:31:23.422-07:00Dysania<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
A strange sound disrupted my dreams<br />Today it was something nice<br />I was in a place of great adventure<br />I had a wonderful company<br />And I was winning the fight<br />Something different from my real life<br />My dreams are my only source of happiness<br />It gave me a different person<br />It gave me special powers <br />Moreover, it gave me something which I yearned<br />It made me smile<br />It gave me a sense of achievement<br />The sound kept pulling me out of this wonderful world<br />I fought hard trying to ignore it<br />Still, it was relentless, and it grew louder<br />I opened my eyes with anger<br />To conquer the roaring beast<br />Only to release that I have lost my dream as well<br />It was no other than Dysania<br />The state of finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning</div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-16525482395122125892019-03-22T03:29:00.000-07:002019-09-26T03:29:47.696-07:00Duende<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
As I struggle to write<br />I sigh in despair<br />Unable to find the right words or story<br />I feel like it is just beyond my reach<br />I try hard to grab it<br />But it seems just impossible<br />Sometimes I pretend to think<br />As I am too tired <br />Of the blankness<br />Of the inability to form words<br />However, suddenly an inspiration strikes<br />And the words began to flow<br />Like a fresh oasis of water<br />It is quite surprising <br />How the simplest things can trigger a beautiful art<br />It is not constant<br />Yet the heightened emotion remains<br />Maybe its God sent<br />And I am so grateful for Duende</div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-62098107897603045422019-03-18T03:27:00.000-07:002019-09-26T03:27:42.908-07:00Ephemera<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Life is a fleeting experience<br />Most things happen for a reason<br />And it moves on before we know it<br />When we think of life<br />We think of our past and future<br />We wish we could have been better<br />And we hope for a better tomorrow<br />We fail to realise the impact of the moment<br />The beauty of today<br />Life is not a whole package<br />It is composed of small miracles and moments<br />The big picture does not matter<br />The small ones do<br />We lose them in the quest for a more significant gain<br />Sometimes, it is just about the ephemera<br />The things that are enjoyed only for a short time</div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-35322545173803060042019-03-14T03:28:00.000-07:002019-09-26T03:28:55.457-07:00Billet-doux <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Words betray me when I think of you<br />Maybe because it feels inadequate before my love<br />My world did not shift when I met you<br />But you slowly rocked it with your presence<br />Though I don't say it aloud<br />You mean a lot to me<br />More than I care to admit<br />You scare me<br />You make my shield go wider<br />I am a survivor<br />But I might not survive your absence<br />You make me question my beliefs<br />You push me to my threshold limit<br />Sometimes, it is just hard to say no<br />You are an inevitable part of me<br />You make breathing much easier<br />That it is no longer a chore<br />You protect me from my darkest nightmares<br />It is all new to me<br />And I am not sure how to embrace it<br />Your words tear through my heart<br />You mean so much to me<br />I won't stop you from leaving<br />But I won't stop thinking of you either<br />A Billet-doux to my special one<br /> </div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-2361938684275425922019-03-10T03:24:00.000-07:002019-09-26T03:26:21.418-07:00Metanoia<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Life is a mysterious entity<br />It is filled with surprises and shock<br />It is highly unpredictable <br />We never know when our life changes<br />When the plans crumble, and a new one emerges<br />We are always trained to be prepared<br />As children, we are asked to identify a goal <br />And focus our efforts towards achieving them<br />Sometimes, the reality is entirely different<br />And we are forced to accept the changes<br />The smallest trigger causes the most significant change <br />A new path emerges<br />And we realise our purpose in life<br />It is Metanoia, the journey of changing one’ mind, heart, self or way of life</div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-43205709587116137842019-03-06T03:24:00.000-08:002019-09-26T03:24:31.363-07:00Strikhedonia<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Life is full of surprises <br />Our dream and reality often clash<br />Leaving us disappointed and angry<br />We wade through this darkness<br />And come out of it scathed and wiser<br />Most points in time, we wish for a miracle<br />We wish for a break<br />We wish for a happy success<br />Without the fear of losing it<br />However, life is more interesting than joyful<br />Secretly, this excitement keeps me going<br />It gives me a purpose and path<br />A challenge to keep fighting<br />Nevertheless, some breaks are more painful<br />And in those times, I wish for Strikhedonia<br />The joy of being able to say to hell with it</div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-46301665056330997642019-03-02T03:22:00.000-08:002019-09-26T03:23:09.587-07:00Meraki <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Every word written by a writer<br />Every art created by an artist<br />Every sculpture crafted<br />It is not just a combination of individual elements<br />It is an overall reflection of the artist’s personality<br />Everyone has their own way of communication<br />Some talk while others create<br />Every art is a distinctive replication of the thought process<br />It helps them to process their experiences<br />And have a better understanding and to connect with reality<br />Everyone leaves a part of them behind<br />Through the works and messages<br />Sometimes, the beholder completely misses it<br />But the Meraki is always there.</div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-69802613345982005232019-02-24T03:21:00.000-08:002019-09-26T03:22:02.952-07:00Querencia<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Everyone needs a space<br />A place to relax<br />A place to rejuvenate<br />A place to be<br />This can be a cosy corner in our house<br />Or this can be place infused with nature<br />Or a secret location which remains a mystery<br />This is an essential aspect of our lives<br />We require a place to let go<br />To unravel the stress of the drama<br />To ponder the past and future<br />To accept the inevitable<br />To draw strength and inspiration<br />Everyone needs a Querencia<br />And mine is the sea </div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-70533399956767403652019-02-19T12:56:00.000-08:002019-05-19T12:57:09.726-07:00Home<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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What is the difference between a house and a home</div>
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A house is built of bricks and cement</div>
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It is the emotionless structure </div>
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It might protect you from the harshest weather</div>
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But it can never provide warmth</div>
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It can give you a place to sleep</div>
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But it can never provide comfort</div>
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It can give you a refined outlook</div>
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But it can never provide respect</div>
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It can give you a place to eat</div>
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But it will never satisfy your inner desire</div>
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A home is built of love and compassion</div>
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And it can make you feel loved and cherished</div>
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Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-71931001080442509452019-02-17T11:36:00.000-08:002019-05-21T11:36:20.642-07:00The Ultimate Sacrifice<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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We all use the word sacrifice</div>
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We have let go of something </div>
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For our loved ones</div>
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Or for the greater good</div>
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This could be simple as a chocolate</div>
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Or even a relationship</div>
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We still pride ourselves of the fact</div>
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At least to ourselves</div>
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We feel good about it</div>
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And replay that memory on a cold day</div>
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However most of us do not know </div>
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The real meaning of the term</div>
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It means putting other’s need first </div>
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At the cost of sacrificing our own</div>
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Every day soldiers die</div>
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To protect the nameless faces of the nation</div>
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And that is the ultimate sacrifice</div>
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Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-31450176900674620562019-02-16T10:54:00.000-08:002019-05-14T10:54:20.544-07:00Game of Life<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Have you played chess?<br />The game has a simple goal<br />Protect your king at all costs<br />However, life is a little different<br />Ok, it is entirely different<br />Life is not a one-person show<br />We cannot sacrifice the pawns<br />As much as we want to<br />The queen will not always protect you<br />She needs to be pampered at times<br />The bishops might be busy in their own lives<br />Sometimes, we have the tendency <br />To treat others as supporting characters<br />We consider our purposes to be crucial<br />And do not offer a second thought for others<br />These moves might be right for chess<br />But life needs a different approach<br /></div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-41411204698108295232019-02-14T02:48:00.000-08:002019-05-18T02:48:40.990-07:00Soul Mate<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
We meet so many people in life<br />We subconsciously divide them into different categories<br />How many people do we see every day?<br />How many people do we actually see?<br />Most of them are passing clouds<br />There is a blur in our picture<br />Some people make an impact<br />And deserve a second look<br />Some people make their way into our life<br />Some stay with us forever<br />However, there is always that one person<br />Who makes us happy and sad<br />They make us curious<br />They give us warmth<br />They awaken our inner sources<br />They make us pledge our souls<br />And they change our world<br />But it is worth it<br /></div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-88606360701110717962019-02-12T10:41:00.000-08:002019-05-14T10:41:47.879-07:00The moment<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I really have no time<br />I am too busy<br />I am swamped with work<br />These are a few reasons which give others<br />To avoid spending time for them<br />Sometimes we become so involved<br />That we fail our loved ones<br />We tell ourselves that it is for their benefit<br />That our work with guarantee their future<br />However, we do not seem the loss<br />Time is not fluid, as it looks<br />But our relationships might wither away<br />People might stop needing us<br />We could lose the moment<br />Everyone has a specific duration in earth<br />No one can predict this period<br />We ignore people in the assumption<br />That we have eternity with them<br />However, it is an illusion<br />Though we might not spend hours for them<br />A few minutes will do the trick<br />Our work can be scheduled<br />But the precious moments of relationships will never wait<br /></div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8634079407710046137.post-37251669582084411282019-02-07T10:38:00.000-08:002019-05-12T10:39:00.946-07:00Mother<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Mothers are superheroes and angels<br />Or at least that’s what we believe<br />Our mothers are our first love<br />They are our first fans and first critics<br />They are our inspiration and guide<br />They motivate and encourage us<br />However, sometimes they fail<br />They do not understand us<br />We feel that she is not up to the current trend<br />They are strict and occasionally tough<br />We fail to realise that deep down she means good<br />That she is new to the whole process<br />Though we see her as a superwomen<br />She struggles with her limitations<br />Yet she is always there for us<br />Let's love with all her characteristics<br /><br /><br /></div>
Jenifer Fernandohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03553525287451165290noreply@blogger.com0